Just The Way I'm Feeling
by GailTheFish
Summary: CJ/Toby one-shot with some scotch and upset.


**This is one of the many ideas that came to me on holiday, I went through a pretty intense writing phase. I didn't really think about when it was set so that part can be left up to you. The title comes from the Feeder song of the same name. Enjoy!**

"I, erm, never thought that I had the capacity to love someone. I convinced Andi and I convinced myself that I loved her, but I was fooling no-one. Well, I guess in some ways I loved her, but I was never in love with her the way I was meant to be." Toby uttered out one night.

He was sitting at his desk, CJ on the couch, and after a particularly shitty day, the bottle of scotch he kept in his bottom desk drawer had been opened.

"Why are you telling me this?" CJ said timidly.

"We've been friends for what, 14 years now?" he pondered.

"14 years." She confirmed.

"And in that time you've become my most trusted, well my only trusted, confidante." He stated simply.

"Yeah." She muttered dejectedly.

"What?" he asked, noticing her tone.

"Nothing." CJ dismissed her inner thoughts, waving her hand slightly a'la Toby.

Toby studied her face curiously as she moved into a more comfortable position, bringing her legs under her and balancing her drink at the same time. Usually he would let it go, but she was his best friend and she looked upset.

"It doesn't seem like nothing." He sighed.

"Look, Toby, just drop it." CJ said into her glass, not looking up.

"I should go." She stood up and collected herself before placing the half empty glass on his desk. "Thanks for the scotch." He nodded and watched her leave.

He leaned back in his chair, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding, and downed the remains of his scotch.

* * *

CJ dashed out of the bullpen and into her office, collapsing on the couch.

"What was that?" she said to herself, putting her head into her hands.

After a few minutes, she gathered her coat and briefcase and headed out of the West Wing.

CJ didn't realise how drunk she was until the cold air hit her; she stumbled slightly as she made her way to her car.

At the same time, Toby was too making his way out and observed the tipsy CJ trying to unlock her car – he walked over to her.

"You're not driving anywhere." He stated, grabbing the keys out of her hand.

"Hey!" she gasped, slapping him on the hand.

"You're drunk, CJ." Toby said softly. "I'll drive you home."

"You've been drinking too." she pointed out.

"But unlike you, I can handle my liquor." He smiled as CJ pouted at him. "Come on."

She sighed in exasperated defeat, following Toby to his car.

* * *

They had been driving for a couple of blocks, silence filling the car.

"What's wrong, CJ?" Toby wondered, glancing over at her sitting form - legs propped up on the dashboard.

"You wouldn't let me drive my own car home." She snapped out in response.

"Yes. But that's not why you're upset." He uttered back.

"Why do you always think that's something wrong?" CJ asked him.

"I don't, but I know you and I know that something's bothering you." He countered.

She didn't reply and watched her turn to the face the window, muttering incoherently under her breath.

"Got something you wanna share?" he teased, trying to break the silence.

"Leave me alone." CJ whined.

"No. We're going to talk about why you're acting this way. You're clearly upset about something." Toby pulled over into a nearby parking spot.

"Just take me home." She groaned, irritated.

"Talk to me." He pursued, turning his body to face her.

"Stop acting like you care." She laughed bitterly.

"What? Of course I care, CJ!" Toby was becoming frustrated.

She choked out a laugh and he watched her intently.

"Take me home, Toby." She said bluntly.

* * *

"So what is it?" Toby asked her as he continued to drive again. "Bad break up?"

"I haven't been seeing anyone." CJ almost whispered.

"No I didn't think so." he thought out loud.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she spat.

"Nothing! Jeez." He held up a hand in defence. "Why can't you tell me why you're upset?"

"I'm not upset." She declared.

"Stop lying to me." Toby replied.

"What do you want me to tell you, Toby? That I hate how you only seem to give a damn when I'm sad or drunk or both?" CJ rambled.

"What's got into you?" his voice a lot softer than intended.

"You're fucking clueless, Tobus." She stated, not turning to meet his eyes.

"What?" He almost shouted. "We're here." His voice lowered. "We're going to sit here until this is sorted."

"There's nothing to sort!" CJ yelled back.

"It doesn't seem that way!" he opposed.

"Do you have any idea what it's like?" she said quietly.

"What are you on about?" Toby wondered, glad she was calmer.

"What it's like to –" she hesitated and turned away. "What it's like to be in love with your best friend." She whispered so he couldn't hear.

* * *

"What was that?" he tapped her shoulder.

"I said I love you! Okay?!" CJ cried, finally facing him.

"CJ…" he started, shocked.

"No! Don't say anything. I need to say this. You said it yourself, we've been friends for 14 years. I loved you back then and when you were married and I love you now. You have no idea how much it hurts, Toby." She glanced away, unable to meet his eyes.

"And it's not just the alcohol talking?" he pressed nervously.

"Jesus Toby, no!" she exclaimed loudly.

"Okay, okay." He sighed. "Is this why you're upset?"

"I'm upset because I have to sit and listen to you ramble about how valuable our friendship is; that you've been hung up on Andi and only Andi the whole time I've known you. I actually thought." She paused and laughed. "That you were going to tell me you loved me or something before."

"You did?" he asked and she nodded.

"Do you really think if I was going to tell you I love you that it would start with a speech about my ex-wife?" he chuckled.

"I don't know." CJ mumbled.

"I do love you by the way." He told her.

"You're only saying that because you pity me." She snapped at him.

"God, CJ! And you call me clueless? I love you, I have for as long as I can remember. Why do you think it was so hard for me to love Andi?" he sighed, looking at his hands; now being the one unable to make eye contact.

* * *

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" she whispered into the space between them.

"Are you kidding me? I thought you would have run as far as you could if I ever told you how I felt, which with your legs would be pretty damn far." He smirked slightly as she slapped his arm.

"I'd never run from you." CJ replied.

"You did." He pointed out, referring to LA.

"You were getting married, Toby!" she shouted, before her clearing her throat and lowering her voice. "Did you expect me to hang around and watch you, my heart breaking all over again?"

He swallowed the lump in his throat at her words. "I had no idea."

"You don't say." She managed a chuckle which quickly turned into a sob.

"Oh CJ." He pulled her into a hug, arms around her shoulders and holding her close.

She sobbed into him for a few minutes; Toby stroked her hair softly, muttering endearments into her.

A little while longer, she broke away, wiping her eyes slightly. He quickly pulled her back to him, eyes searching hers.

"I'm going to kiss you now." He muttered, leaning in so their lips touched.

The kiss was soft and slow. CJ pulled away and rested her forehead against his.

"I love you, Toby." She smiled.

"I love you too, CJ." He replied, pulling her back into another, deeper kiss.


End file.
